It has been a real treat to be home. It's been amazing to see old friends, visit with new ones, and rediscover my old haunts around town. I've taken to running to the public beach two towns over and sitting in the sand for a while watching the waves and people chase their toddlers up and down the beach playing chicken with the waves. It's wonderful to be home but I'm finding something haunting about it that I have yet to shake.
When a relationship ends, sympathetic spectators are quick to pat you on the back and tell you how glad they are that you've learned something from the experience. While I frequently arm myself with such convictions, I've been thinking of late how tired I am of feeling like the very beach upon which I rest my sneakers.
Family, friends, lovers, strangers, and trespassers alike have left traces of themselves in the form of sandcastles, doodles, and the occasional trail of footprints passing through. There are memories I like to sit with once in a while and soak in their warmth through remembrance. It's never much but it's enough to keep me going so long as I don't dwell in them for too long. Being back here--being home--keeps me close to the company of ghosts I keep and these memories with which I like to sit once in a while have been in my mind from the first morning stretch to when I close my eyes at night. They're at their worst when I'm out for a run.
It seems strange to be haunted by happy memories but this nagging fear in the pit of my stomach suggests crimes of more than missing, wishing, and remembering.
It is also completely unhelpful that City and Colour's "Confessions" has been stuck in my head for days on end. I will shake this.
A 20-something's exploration of life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and art.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The most important relationship you'll ever have
I played catch up with my best girl friend from home over salads at Panera's yesterday. We dished over school, grades, guys, and that pesky ex-boyfriend my friend couldn't seem to get away from. She'd met lots of guys at school but she always seemed to compare them to him--no one got her the way he did and although he wasn't always so great (we all do seem to have our moments) settling for him seemed like a much better idea than being alone.
I couldn't help but ask why. Why was "settling" so much better than being "single" and what could being in a relationship offer you that you can't find in the comfort of yourself or a close group of friends--besides the obvious and how important is sex to you that you'll stick around in a relationship that does more mental and emotional damage than good?
My friend didn't have an answer and balked at my suggestion that this time could be time taken for herself, to develop the most important relationship anyone will ever have in their entire lives...more important than the ones with your parents, more important than the ones with your extended family and friends, and far more important than those connections with your myspace/facebook friends list. I suggested that she could take this time to develop a stronger relationship with herself by spending time doing what interests her rather than worry about finding, pleasing, and maintaining the interest of someone else.
How much time, really, do we devote to the persuit of others? How much energy do we spend wondering if they like us, if we're attractive to them, good enough, intelligent enough, or just enough? As women, how much time do we then spend trying to live up to those expectations by becoming less of ourselves--a smaller size and a more conplacent voice--in the disillusioned mindset that if we change ourselves and our bodies, others will change how they treat us.
We are not empty voids or parts of something needing to be made whole. We don't need to be in a relationship as confirmation that we're good people worthy of someone else's time, energy, and affection. I feel that everyone is deserving of that and I personally don't have that incessant need to go looking for someone else to make my life--my self--any better than it already is.
Now as for me, I feel like women could spend every minute of every day in efforts solely for others or just thinking about it and that's not to say that living a little for others is a horrible idea but I think it's important to remember to live a little each day just for yourself. Even if that little bit means unpacking all your crap from school, jumping on your bed, and taking a nap in the sun outside your window. :)
All that being said--and I feel almost compelled to write this after that near declaration of single status--I don't think there's anything amiss in being with someone who compliments your life and perhaps adds a little more color to it.
My best friend is an amazing, talented, and driven woman who I hope one day encounters someone who appreciates her hard-working and down to earth spirit. I think she deserves that.
I couldn't help but ask why. Why was "settling" so much better than being "single" and what could being in a relationship offer you that you can't find in the comfort of yourself or a close group of friends--besides the obvious and how important is sex to you that you'll stick around in a relationship that does more mental and emotional damage than good?
My friend didn't have an answer and balked at my suggestion that this time could be time taken for herself, to develop the most important relationship anyone will ever have in their entire lives...more important than the ones with your parents, more important than the ones with your extended family and friends, and far more important than those connections with your myspace/facebook friends list. I suggested that she could take this time to develop a stronger relationship with herself by spending time doing what interests her rather than worry about finding, pleasing, and maintaining the interest of someone else.
How much time, really, do we devote to the persuit of others? How much energy do we spend wondering if they like us, if we're attractive to them, good enough, intelligent enough, or just enough? As women, how much time do we then spend trying to live up to those expectations by becoming less of ourselves--a smaller size and a more conplacent voice--in the disillusioned mindset that if we change ourselves and our bodies, others will change how they treat us.
We are not empty voids or parts of something needing to be made whole. We don't need to be in a relationship as confirmation that we're good people worthy of someone else's time, energy, and affection. I feel that everyone is deserving of that and I personally don't have that incessant need to go looking for someone else to make my life--my self--any better than it already is.
Now as for me, I feel like women could spend every minute of every day in efforts solely for others or just thinking about it and that's not to say that living a little for others is a horrible idea but I think it's important to remember to live a little each day just for yourself. Even if that little bit means unpacking all your crap from school, jumping on your bed, and taking a nap in the sun outside your window. :)
All that being said--and I feel almost compelled to write this after that near declaration of single status--I don't think there's anything amiss in being with someone who compliments your life and perhaps adds a little more color to it.
My best friend is an amazing, talented, and driven woman who I hope one day encounters someone who appreciates her hard-working and down to earth spirit. I think she deserves that.
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