Wanted: Significant Something

I've developed a curiosity with the human experience, relationships/dating, and the "self advertising" that has quickly become a major part of all of the above. I've read hundreds of personal ads in the interest of art (and my own curiosity) and even wrote a few of my own. Occasionally, a creative one will catch my eye and I wanted to share them...here's one of hopefully many more to come. It's titled "Wanted: Significant Something"

Description/Position Summary:
My company’s public relation’s department currently has a part-time opening for a ‘Probationary Friend’. You must understand this is an entry level position and as such, you may be terminated at any time for any reason.

However, the right candidate will rise quickly and could possibly be interviewed for the lucrative full time position of Significant Other at a moments notice. Keep in mind, we are looking for only the best and brightest talented individual to fill this position. The Significant Other is a cornerstone of our company and can be a very rewarding position. This person will where many hats and be able to change them tactfully and gracefully to suit the given situation. The Significant Other is responsible for contributing (at least in part) to emotional stability and support, physical tenderness and excitement, as well as mental stability and entertainment. The exceptional Significant Other may also pursue the “Life Partner” Track, which will lead to a much broader spectrum of benefits and responsibilities. Our ideal candidate will possess the following characteristics:

-Be self-motivated
-Be a great team player
-Have great creativity
-Caring: not only for themselves, but the company as a whole
-Detail-oriented
-The ability to work long hours and overtime
-The ability to finish work in a timely manner
-Open to direction and adaptable to change
-Must have excellent written and oral communication skills
-A great ability to multi-task
-Excellent time management skills
-The ability to work in a fast-paced, occasionally stressful environment
-The ability to prioritize based on limited information
-Must be able to work independently
-Excellent problem solving skills
-The ability to work very closely with a partner
-The ability to meet performance quotas
-A winning ‘can-do’ attitude

Desired Skills:
-The ability to lie comfortably in front of a movie
-The ability to ask and answer questions over dinner or drinks
-The ability to chase sunsets at a moments notice
-The ability to understand that no one is perfect
-The desire to make the company greater than the sum of its parts
-The desire to take and use vacation time effectively and often
-The desire to find a compromise between two differing view points
-The desire to smile early and often
-The desire and love of love

Qualifications/Requirements:
Candidate must have a high school education or better. Candidate must also have 2-5 years experience of related experience. No beginners please!

Salary/Benefits:
Salary is commensurate with experience. Great benefits package for full time employment!

This company is EOE.